It had to happen, sooner or later. I knew I would give in and succumb to curiosity. What is the big deal about 50 Shades of Grey? What fresh hell of spanking did E. L. James write? Is it worth the hype, or not?
And so I did. I bought a copy of 50 Shades of Grey, and despite feeling kind of dirty and kind of pervy, I read it, cover to cover, over the weekend.
In case you live in a tree’s knot hole, here is the basic synopsis of 50 Shades of Grey: on the cusp of graduating from college, Anastasia Steele (for reals, that is her name) meets 27-year-old billionaire Christian Grey when Ana’s roommate, Kate, cannot make her appointment. Kate is supposed to interview Christian for the school’s newspaper, and so, in the throes of the flu, she enlists Ana to take care of business. (One of the interview questions: are you gay. Again, for reals.) When Christian and Ana shake hands, each feels an electric current, and each is undeniably attracted to the other.
Now, when most couples discuss the parameters of their relationship, they focus on things such as weekend plans, seeing other people, favorite foods, etc. When Christian and Ana have that little chat, they cover things such as fisting and butt plugs.
See, when Christian thinks you are a naughty girl, he takes action, and he leaves you – if you’re lucky – with a pink bottom, glowing from the spankin’ you got. He’s also been known to use other paraphernalia, that of the leather and metal variety, in what Ana comes to think of as the “Red Room of Pain.”
Can a girl who wants true love find it with a man who likens affection to a massage by a riding crop?
Well, sure she can! And if you don’t believe me, just ask Bella Swan, who found true love with a vampire.
See, E.L. James started this zippy tome as a fan fic homage to Twilight, a book written equally as wretchedly.
Now, I’m going to admit, straight up, that I liked 50 Shades of Grey, but perhaps not for the reasons Ms. James would prefer. I found it wildly entertaining and cannot tell you how many times I laughed out loud. I’m sure that number count is lower, however, than the number of times we are told that Christian presses his lips together in a hard line, that Ana bites her lips, that Christian runs his hands through his hair, that Ana “clambers” over him, that Christian does not want to be touched, that Ana wants to touch Christian, that Ana thinks she is unworthy, or that Christian does not want to lose her.
Sound familiar? It is just as draining and ridiculous as Twilight, which begs the question of whether or not the same person edited these books.
Anyway. A scene:
He steps back and gazes at me, his expression hooded, salacious, carnal, and I am helpless, my hands tied, but just looking at his lovely face, reading his need and longing for me, I can feel the dampness between my legs. He walks slowly around me.
“You look mighty fine trussed up like this, Miss Steele. And your smart mouth quiet for now. I like that.”
Standing in front of me again, he hooks his fingers into my panties and, at a most unhurried pace, peels them down my legs, stripping me agonizingly slowly, so that he ends up kneeling in front of me. Not taking his eyes off mine, he scrunches my panties in his hand, holds them up to his nose, and inhales deeply.
I am laughing so hard right now, and I’m pretty sure that I’m not supposed to do that. But I just … this is funny stuff, kids. I know it’s supposed to be hot – and believe me, there are some pretty hot scenes and some serious headboard rocking – but this? THIS scene? Is FUNNY. I’m still laughing.
So, 50 Shades of Grey. Read it for its entertainment value. If you liked Twilight, and GOD HELP ME, I liked that stupid series, you will like this. It is just so bad that it’s good.
Published by Vintage and available on Amazon.com.